The Second Cousin Blues
by Scandalacious Intentions
Summary: The annual visit to Dudley Dursley and family is not an event that James Potter anticipates - largely because he doesn't understand Monopoly. Luckily, he is a contemporary of Teddy Lupin. There aren't many people who can teach life lessons while explaining how to cheat your way through real-estate games.


**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing - except my glasses and the clothes on my back. **

"No."

It was to be a lesson Harry wished he had learned when his eldest son was still small enough to be physically dragged. He ran a hand through his hair and pushed his glasses onto his forehead.

"James, I didn't ask you a question."

James Potter winced. "Your words were: 'James, would you like to go to Surrey?' That's a question, Dad, and the answer is 'No'."

Harry massaged his temples, a habit learned mere months after James had learned to talk. "It was rhetorical, James. I thought I might pretend that you had a choice in the matter."

James slumped against the wall. "They're a bunch of-"

"They're _family_."

James rolled his eyes. "If you want to see them that much, why don't you just go on your own? Dad, they freak me out. They play weird games like Monogamy. I mean, what the hell is that? You traipse around a board with a mortgage. It never ends, Dad. It just goes on and on and on. I am convinced that's what goes on in the eighth circle of hell. Dad, I do _not_ want to go."

Harry bit back a smile. "Monopoly, James."

James shuddered. "I should have stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas. If I knew you were doing this to me, I would have."

Harry sighed. "You're going and that's final."

James played his trump card. "Mum's not going."

Ginny had refused from the beginning. When a Christmas card signed Dudley had arrived through the mailbox, it took every fibre of her being not to tear it up in fury. Harry, wisely, had not pressed her on the subject and turned to his three small children who were all eager to meet their second-cousins.

The truth was that the idea of having a conversation with Dudley without the excuse of his children visiting, was a little daunting to Harry. It almost implied a close relationship and he wasn't sure that he could have a close relationship with the man who had bullied him relentlessly. It had even led to reservations about the Dursley children. James, Harry knew from experience, was a master of razor sharp wit and unafraid to use it when the truth stung. Occasionally, when he was feeling particularly vindictive, Harry had an urge to introduce his son to Marge. Ripper's descendents were no match for James Potter.

Lily was too much like her mother to have worried Harry. She took things on the chin and didn't dwell on them. Lily was also very well protected by the master of razor sharp wit and he couldn't visualise her with her head shoved down a toilet.

He was too busy visualising awful things happening to Albus. Maybe it was because they looked so alike. Maybe it was because Albus lived in James' shadow, just as Harry had lived in Dudley's for ten years.

Albus was the only child who looked forward to Christmas visits to Surrey. He got along well with his second-cousins and knew how to play their games. He was exceptionally good at them. 'Monogamy' was the only thing in which Albus could really surpass his brother and Harry thought it was good for James to be surpassed once in a while.

"Stop whinging and get your coat."

James did not stop whinging, but he knew when he'd lost a battle. He followed Harry upstairs, moaning beside him as Albus polished his glasses. He traipsed back down them and round the garden looking for Lily, muttering under his breath.

"You are _so_ negative," Albus told him, after ten minutes. "You sap the fun out of everything."

"I'll sap the fun out of you if you carry on, Four-Eyes."

James himself had to wear glasses for reading, but Albus knew better than to remind him of this.

"Oi!" snapped Harry when Albus did not stand up for himself. "He's got a point."

James glowered. "I just don't want to go."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I don't know where I got that impression, James." He sighed. "We're going to Apparate, all right?"

James glared. "No. You _know_ I don't like Apparation. I'm _always _sick. If you're making me go, you're not making me Apparate."

Harry sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, counting to ten under his breath. When he opened his eyes, he managed a brief smile that did not reach his eyes. "Then stay here, but you'll be on your own. Your mother's at your uncle's and Ted's going home today."

James shrugged and pretended not to care. "Fine." He didn't like getting his own way when it made his father start counting under his breath. He was, however, significantly pleased to see that Albus looked quite sad that he wouldn't be there.

_Pop!_

He was alone in the house. He trudged up toward the spare room in the hope of finding Teddy there. Though the room was empty, his suitcase was only half-packed and lay open on the bed.

"Please tell me you've not started morphing into pillows."

He was met with total silence. James sighed and sat on the bed. He didn't like silence. It unnerved him.

"What are you doing here?"

James couldn't help the smile that spread quickly into a broad grin. "Well, it _is_ my house."

Teddy had not made much of an effort today. His hair was its usual colour of old pennies, fairly long and messy. His eyes were his natural grey. He was taller than usual, but James wasn't entirely sure how tall Teddy was naturally. He was still wearing his pyjamas.

"You look different."

"Well, I've just woken up. That might explain it. Apart from that, I'm quite taken aback. I thought you'd be in Surrey. I only went to fetch my shampoo and you've invaded my room." He smiled. "What's wrong?"

James shrugged. "I just didn't want to go."

Teddy frowned and threw two bottles into his case. "Why?"

James shrugged again.

"All right, Squirt, off the bed. I want to make it." He stretched, managing to appear even taller, and flattened his hair. "Tell you what, I'll get dressed, you make the tea."

James traipsed downstairs and into the kitchen. His head hung low. He couldn't understand why he was feeling so miserable. This was what he had wanted. He sighed as he stirred three sugars into Teddy's mug and waited for him at the kitchen table. He idly stroked the cat who immediately abandoned him in favour of Teddy as the latter took the seat opposite him and took a sip of steaming tea.

"So why so glum?"

James pulled a face and enticed the cat to come back to him. "I don't know. They all want me to go, but I don't like it there. We can't talk about anything without breaking secrecy acts and we have to have a mortgage and-"

Teddy laughed. "Whoa, what?"

James frowned. "Oh, it's this stupid bloody game which Albus is insanely good at because Albus is good with numbers and is the sort of boy who will play games about real estate all day long."

"That's why you don't like it?"

James shrugged. "Suppose so, yeah. I'm not very good at the stuff they like to do and I don't really get on with them because I can't help myself. I mean, they're comedy gold, these kids. Ted, you haven't seen them. They're _always_ pink and they have squinty little eyes."

Teddy took a sip of tea and leaned back in his chair. "Well, I can't comment because I've never met your cousins and I've never played a game about real-estate, but I think you're talking about Monopoly."

James nodded. "That's the one."

Teddy flicked his wand in the direction of his mug and it floated across the small kitchen to the sink. "My dad used to play Monopoly when he was your age."

James leaned forward. It was rare that he was willing to listen to Teddy's little pearls of wisdom that often landed him in trouble.

"Yeah?"

"He taught it to one of my cousins and this cousin wasn't awfully patient, but he was quite shrewd, and he realised that the only way he was going to beat my dad was by spicing it up a little. So he'd cheat really blatantly. He'd overcharge on rent, escape from jail, dodge his income tax, and refuse to pay my dad's rates by inventing problems he'd had in my dad's hotels. So my dad had to step up his game and then your grandfather would have to cheat too just to afford to roll the dice and eventually, the game would get so out of hand that it wasn't really Monopoly anymore. It was three blokes, represented by a dog, a hat, and a motor-car, dodging tax, organising prison-breaks, trashing hotel rooms, and stealing houses. Now, I've never played it, but I actually think that sounds quite cool."

James grinned. "Wicked."

Teddy smiled grimly. "Know how I know that?"

James shook his head.

"When I was twelve, I had the chance to meet my grandmother - my dad's mother - and I could have said 'No. Where have you been for the last twelve years?', but I didn't. I went to meet her and I loved her and now she's a pretty big part of my life. Speaking as someone who doesn't really have much of a family, meeting someone who knew my dad and loved my dad and had pictures of him as a baby and stories of him as a teenager, that was invaluable. She also doubled my biological family. She's a Muggle and she's brilliant. She knows the answers to so many things and she's introduced me to things my grandmother - my mum's mother - has never even heard of. So maybe, James, you need to be a bit more open-minded and a bit more accepting of their squinty little eyes." Teddy grinned. "Sure you don't want to go to Surrey?"

James made a face. "Well, I can't _now_."

Teddy gestured toward himself, hands pointing toward his chest. "I passed my test. We can go to the furthest reaches of Outer Mongolia if you're so inclined. Surrey shouldn't be a problem."

"I'll get my coat," said James, pushing the chair under the table. "_Again_."

* * *

Number 4 Privet Drive hadn't changed since his last visit. The hedge had been trimmed a little too severely. The pot plants had been relocated to the conservatory in the hope that they would survive the winter frosts. A holly wreath hung on the black door around the gold knocker.

Teddy pushed him up the gravel drive with the threat that if he didn't hurry up, he would knock the door for him.

James waved goodbye and stood on the doorstep, practicing a straight face.

He was shown in by a somewhat taken-aback Mrs. Dudley Dursley.

"Oh, hello, dear." She closed the door behind him and seemed unsure what to say or who to call. "Look, let me have your coat and then I'd better let your dad know you're here." She bustled along the corridor and into the living room where Albus was setting up a board. He beamed up at his brother. James grinned back.

Harry got to his feet. "How did you get here?"

James raised his eyebrows. "I walked." He grimaced at his father's reproachful glance. "Teddy brought me."

"That was nice of him."

"Yeah." James' fingers tapped out a rhythm on his thigh. "Look, Dad, I'm sorry."

Dudley said nothing throughout their conversation, but James was used to Dudley saying nothing. Dudley and his father never spoke during the interactions of their children. James wondered why his father bothered coming at all.

"I know. It's all right, Jimmy."

James smiled and kneeled beside Albus. "Why don't we play Monopoly? I know how much you love Monopoly, Al."

Albus peered at him shrewdly. "What have you got planned?"

James adopted his best 'Butter Wouldn't Melt' expression. "Why should I have something planned?"

* * *

"Thirty-six pounds? Thirty-six pounds for a night in a hotel next to a sewage works? Albus, get real. If anything, you should be paying me. I should sue!"

Albus sighed. "I knew it. I just knew it."

"Girls, back me up and I'll break you out of jail."


End file.
